Had an idea the other day. Gadzooks. It was for a really cheap SatNav system that didn’t actually connect up to satellites, but rather you told it where you were and where you wanted to go, and then it would just read out all the all directions and turnings to you in one go, as if you’d stopped and asked a local for directions. For extra cost you could have slightly befuddled directions where it says things like “…then turn left at the pub, no, wait, the pub was knocked down last year, go straight on and then turn left at Tesco’s…” or “….oh I’m sorry, I’m not from the area…” which, remarkably - as I am indeed remarking upon it - seems to be what you get most of the time you ask a stranger for directions. I’m thinking they themselves must have got lost too and have spent so long wandering around that they actually look like locals, you know, looking mildly bewildered whilst carrying a rolled up plastic bag full of dog shit in one hand - this being the only accoutrement you ever seem to see people walking around with these days.

We live on a divided, black and white world where it seems either you walk around endlessly in anoraks with with dog shit in plastic shopping bags with a constant look on your face that suggests that you may be struggling to come to terms with the regret of not paying more attention when you were at school, or you own a car and drive around watching bewildered people with dog shit in rolled up shopping bags. Take me now, lord.