Why don't we knock up a letter along the lines of...
FREE, NO OBLIGATION LIFETIME OF DISINTEREST IN YOUR PRODUCTSAnd every time you get some spam from a legitimate, real world corporate entity, they get a copy of this e-mail?
Dear Let's Not Pretend To Be Intimate Shall We?
I bring exciting news of a great special offer you cannot afford to miss, please read on.
I am not interested in a range of products you may happen to sell. This lack of interest is not a one-off, never to be repeated special lack of interest nor is it a lack of interest which will particularly save you any money if you fail to act upon it within seven days. No, my lack of interest in your products is likely to be very permanent.
I specialise in a top quality lack of interest in your products, rivaled by nobody for its spectacular dogged disregard for anything you have to say. Your products have been specially chosen by me as being of no tangible interest whatsoever, and I have done this without actually endeavouring to find out whether or not they are actually of interest to me. Its much easier this way, I'm sure you'll understand.
You see, in order for me to determine whether or not you actually have product which I may find interesting I'd need to contact everyone who makes products and determine exactly the levels and nature of potential interest. This would take me a very long time indeed, so I adopt a simple approach, and instead I work on the basis that I'll be disinterested in your products on a regular basis in the hope that one day you'll get the message. My disinterest has been built up over a number of years and tested out successfully on numerous companies products.
Right now I'm offering you our standard level of disinterest but for a limited time only you can also upgrade to Disinterest Deluxe for no extra outlay. Free. Gratis. Can't say fairer than that?
Please be aware that this is not a mass consumerism method of expressing disinterest for your products, for I frown on such practices. Rather, this is permission disinterest and I am writing to you today to ask your permission to be uninterested in your products. Research has shown me that when I ask for permission to be disinterested in products I get a much better response than using a scattergun approach and more often than not more companies actually make their products so uninteresting as a result of my request that I need no longer ask permission to express my disinterest.
I'm sorry if this expression of disinterest has turned up unannounced in your mailbox. Simply click here to have your address removed from my database.
Please know that should I become interested in your products one day which, lets face it, is very unlikely, I will be the first person to not let you know. Thank you for being uninteresting and I sincerely hope that you can be of further disinterest to me very soon.
Gary Turner.